you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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