sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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