I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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