Just fell off a train. Bad.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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