Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
