I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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