All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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