You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
