a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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