whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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