I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
