i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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