Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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