My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
