I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
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