i already hear my dad disowning me
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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