She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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