I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
