If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
