I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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