my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Drunk is not a location!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
