Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
smell my finger.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
