Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
