Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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