So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
