You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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