You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
