Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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