I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
