I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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