He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
you guys were way drunker than both of me
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
a search helicopter?!
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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