Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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