Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
