Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
