On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
