I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
