i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
from now on my penis is your penis
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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