____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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