I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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