The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
