Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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