its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
