On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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