worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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