Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
