my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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