Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
