Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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