is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
