so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
