No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
