Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
