All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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