This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
