my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
