i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
