Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
