I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
