in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
