he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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