im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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